Today I experienced the most frightening day of my life. Without getting into too many details, today at work I felt scared. Like heart pounding, fear for your life scared. While I was able to go through the motions and activate crisis plans at work, my mind was not present.
It's one of those "awakening" moments that makes you feel, deeply, what matters to you. As my heart pounded in my chest and my body shook subtly all over in fear, I thought of my husband first. And how badly I just wanted him to be there with me. Then of my children, and my parents. Texting my husband and mom to let them know what was happening, that I was ok, and that I loved them.
Then the text from my mom "Am Praying" sent me such relief. Because I knew that I wasn't alone. I was ok. And no matter what happened I knew that God was with me, and watching and that even if I was going to die, I'd be ok.
These 20 minutes I spent in silence, in fear, I knew that I had done what mattered to me in my life. I am a kind person, I help teenagers, I am a good mom and a loving wife. I'm there for my family when it counts. It doesn't matter how much I workout, whether or not I have one or 2 glasses of wine at night, if my house is clean or if I have my kids playroom organized. That stuff DOESN'T MATTER. The stuff I spend precious minutes worrying about doesn't matter. What a relief. I'm doing what matters already...the rest is just fluff.
It's sad that working in a public school makes you feel unsafe, and know that you can be vulnerable to someone else's instability, it's terrifying. But I"m focusing on the positive...I know what's important and I"m so thankful that I could learn that lesson without any mass casualty.
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