Fitness Decision

It has taken me months to come to terms with this decision.  Honestly an every day discussion in my head about what my fitness goals are.  Do I want to run more, build muscle, do races, do yoga, etc. I seriously could not decide.

But today I had a bit of an epiphany, I'm not sure what finally brought me to my conclusion but the relief of finally deciding where I'm headed with fitness in my life was immense.

I've always believed that fitness should ENHANCE your life.  But for me it was becoming my life.  All I thought about, planned for and made time for.  I know that exercise is so important for my mental and physical health in a myriad of ways but making the "right" decision was consuming me and I was starting to not enjoy working out, or feeling like I wasn't doing "enough" or the right workout.

So I've cancelled my training for that fall half marathon.  I know that I can make time to train, and that I can physically do it. I just Don't Want To!  My heart is not in it whatsoever.  My heart is in happy little 5k's that the girls can participate in or at least spectate at.  And for me, if my heart isn't in for a 3 month training plan, I'm going to be miserable every single mile.

I've decided that fitness needs to be a part of my daily routine, but it doesn't need to be my one and only hobby or focus.  I want to spend time focusing on the other parts of who I am.

So my plan now?  The Beta Round of T25 or a run if I feel like it.  5 days a week.  No more, no less.  And when the workout is done, it's done. NO obsessing about my effort or what I'm doing tomorrow or when I can schedule it in.

And my next goal..find another hobby to occupy my mind! Like reading books or organizing the house.  Or organizing pictures. :)

It feels SO GOOD to have let go of the pressure of perfecting the workout plan.  Guess that old perfectionist me always tries to find a way to make her presence known.

Sundays

There is something so wonderful about Sundays.  Sleeping in, time with the family, just relaxing before the crazy business of the week begins.  Something I've struggled with since having children is not going to church.  part of me feels that it's important to belong to a church so that the girls have a sense of community and learn a spiritual foundation.  On the other hand, sometimes the absolute last thing I want to do on a Sunday morning is rush around to get somewhere else.  It's nice to be lazy one day out of the week.

I talk to the girls about God, Jesus and try to expose them to spirituality.  We've tried the UU church, and I like what they stand for but I don't like that they don't pray in the traditional sense of the word.  I've yet to try another church with them but I guess that's what I need to do next.  It seems like a lot of work to schlep the girls around from church to church, but maybe I need to go church shopping on my own.  I guess it's never to late to find a church that meets the needs of our family.

I'll Be Seeing You

Today we held the funeral services for Nana, my grandmother, Lois Armstrong Campbell.  It was the most touching, emotional, spiritual moment I've had in a long time.  And it was so Nana.  Her favorite Psalms from the Bible, her favorite hymns, singing from the great grands and so many stories shared by her family.  What stuck with me the most is the legacy of love that she has left behind.  Not just with her family, but with her actions.  Everyone who spoke, spoke about how she had looked out for them, cared for them, helped them and made them feel welcome.

It got me thinking that I hope people say kind words about me when I'm gone.  What will they say about me?  What will my legacy be?  I hope it's that I was loving, kind, gentle, and that I made a difference.  That  I helped those who are less fortunate, that I was a good mom and wife, and that I was someone people could rely on.  Do I want my legacy to be one about my impact on my family, my impact in my work with teenagers, or my impact in being an inspiration in health/fitness?  Do I want to change career paths and become a counselor working with substance abusing adolescents?  Do I want to spend time volunteering somewhere? My Nana has left behind not only amazing family roots for me, but thoughts to ponder about how I want to live my life.  Just like Nana would want. :)

I will forever miss the gentle, funny, determined, Christian grandmother who has provided me with countless memories and always made me feel loved.

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

Today I experienced the most frightening day of my life.  Without getting into too many details, today at work I felt scared.  Like heart pounding, fear for your life scared.  While I was able to go through the motions and activate crisis plans at work, my mind was not present.

It's one of those "awakening" moments that makes you feel, deeply, what matters to you.  As my heart pounded in my chest and my body shook subtly all over in fear, I thought of my husband first.  And how badly I just wanted him to be there with me.  Then of my children, and my parents. Texting my husband and mom to let them know what was happening, that I was ok, and that I loved them.

Then the text from my mom "Am Praying" sent me such relief.  Because I knew that I wasn't alone.  I was ok.  And no matter what happened I knew that God was with me, and watching and that even if I was going to die, I'd be ok.

These 20 minutes I spent in silence, in fear, I knew that I had done what mattered to me in my life. I am a kind person, I help teenagers, I am a good mom and a loving wife. I'm there for my family when it counts. It doesn't matter how much I workout, whether or not I have one or 2 glasses of wine at night, if my house is clean or if I have my kids playroom organized.  That stuff DOESN'T MATTER.  The stuff I spend precious minutes worrying about doesn't matter.  What a relief.  I'm doing what matters already...the rest is just fluff.

It's sad that working in a public school makes you feel unsafe, and know that you can be vulnerable to someone else's instability, it's terrifying.  But I"m focusing on the positive...I know what's important and I"m so thankful that I could learn that lesson without any mass casualty.

Blogs....

How hard is it to update a blog every day, to post even the most mundane aspects of life? Evidently, incredibly hard.  My grandfather kept a journal every night of his life, up until he had his stroke a few years ago, leaving him unable to write or read.   Someday, those journals will be our only vision into his life.

I so want to give that gift to my daughters.  So, I'm trying again!

This weekend was a beautiful fall weekend in Maine.  The weather is unseasonably warm for October which is so lovely.  We've finally had a fall that feels enjoyable instead of winter-like.  Yesterday Andy went to the red sox game, where they won and cinched a spot in the World Series!  He'll never forget that.  Beaner had karate, which she is absolutely loving.  I'm seeing small changes in her confidence, and she says things like, "Mom I broke a board at karate, so I can do hard things now."  LOVE THAT.

Emily cheered for the last PAL game of the season.  And now they have one week left to practice for their competition next weekend.  She loves cheering, and it shows!  Then they were babysat by Maddie at the Hallens house, so that mom could go to Mainely Brews with the Hallens and Vigues.  Fun fun night full of laughing and new memories made.

Today we had our traditional "Carlton Family Bake Off."  Millie and Dad made tollhouse pie (it's in the oven right now and smells ammmmmazing.)  Beaner and Mom made pumpkin pie that is cooling on the counter and smells deliciously like fall.  Grandma and Grandad are coming over tonight to taste test!

Father's Day

Something about father's day always makes me emotional.  I'm lucky to have a dad that has always, always, always been there for me.  He's solid and strong, but not afraid to work the sound system at my dance recitals or make us walk our cat on a leash so he wouldn't run away.  Strong man with a soft heart. 

And I'm married to a man who is a wonderful father who adores his daughters.  Can't say no to a dance party in the kitchen and teaches them all about sports.  They are as blessed as I am to have a loyal dad who loves their mother. 

This year for fathers day, Big Daddy went golfing with his dad and brother.  So Millie and Beaner and I had lunch with my family which was fun.  The girls love their "Umple Base" and were happy to have his undivided attention!

When we got home from lunch and a swim at camp, Millie and Beaner made Big Daddy cuddle on the couch to watch Monsters Inc. togther (while mommy had wine and read a book in peace and quiet for 15 minutes....Happy Father's Day to ME!)

For weeks, Millie has been asking me to start a blog, as a friend of ours does a wonderful one for her family.  "Mom, you need to do a blog.  Write about stuff you are good at.  Like cooking!"  Now, Millie is not known for her Culinary appetite.  Mac and Cheese and PB &J are what she enjoys...so it was nice to hear an actual cooking compliment! :)

Nevertheless, this is my fourth attempt at starting a blog.  I really want to document the daily goings-on of our family so that years from now I remember the deliciously beautiful moments of having young girls (and also to remind me of the exhaustingly complicated moments as well).

So, today?  My girls love watching me do my workouts at home.  Right now I'm in the middle of Insanity: Asylum, Volume 1.  Today they joined me in a workout and Beaner said, "I"m pretending to be Shaun T."  Millie replied, "OK, then you better have some pretty nice abs!"  Then looked at me, "Hey mom, where are YOUR abs?"  I mumbled something about Shaun T. not having children, then jumped higher and worked harder during that workout! 

I do love how active the girls are becoming, and I like to think that the fact that I workout often and talk to them about it has something to do with that.  Millie loves cheerleading, gymnastics, softball and dance; Beaner loves gymnastics, dance and soccer.  Plus both girls participate in a kids triathalon every summer, pictured below is their first last summer.  Millie placed third in her age group!